I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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