btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize