new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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