i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
she told me i tasted like america
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
