im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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