The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
