so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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