my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
