It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
