ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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