On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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