things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
