My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
