I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
