Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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