I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
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