I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
