She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
