I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
