Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
