peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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