I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
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