I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
