Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Randomize
