Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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