I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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