i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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