Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
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