so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
