you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
