he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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