At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
