this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Can you bring me the toilet please
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
