all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
