I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I enjoy the company of your penis
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
