she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
