I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
