Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Randomize
