I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
