She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
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