I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Randomize
