I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
