my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
