I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
