I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
We just shotgunned beers for America
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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