You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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