Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
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