i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
