saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
