you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Randomize
