My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
