he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
