I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
