I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
