i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
