my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
