There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
