R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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