i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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