i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
