I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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