last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I have tasted many bathrooms
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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