The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
