The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
