guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize