I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
